When you enter a marriage, you take your vows under the assumption that nothing will ever tear the two of you apart – so what do you do when you start to feel distance growing between you? Marriage counseling is a great way to learn how to navigate these feelings and open up communication with your partner. We at Counseling Services of Parker know that relationships and marriages can be saved, but only through hard work and an understanding of what is tearing them apart in the first place.
We teach our couples the concepts behind Dr. John Gottman’s “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” This is just a fancy way of saying that there are four factors that can predict divorce and separation in couples.
Criticism
Criticism is a way of implying that something is wrong with your partner’s personality and not necessarily just an action. When you use phrases like “you always” or “you never,” then you are making your partner feel attacked, which may cause them to respond defensively. This is a bad pattern because neither person feels heard, making conflict resolution even more challenging.
Defensiveness
Of course, when you or your partner tries to defend yourself what you think is an attack, then you can become defensive. This defensive mindset prevents people from owning up to their mistakes and taking responsibility. This only heightens miscommunication. When one partner takes on this trait, then they may quickly turn themselves into the victim of the situation and perceive their partner as an attacker rather than someone trying to solve an issue that both parties are a part of.
Contempt
Putting yourself on higher ground than your partner is showing them contempt. For example, rolling your eyes or scoffing at them when they make a suggestion is you indicating – even if unintentionally – that you are superior to them in some way. Contempt is the most serious of all the horsemen because these put downs and insults can get in the way of the love and affection the couple feels for each other in the first place. You can overcome this challenge, but only with dedication to improvement.
Stonewalling
Stonewalling is shutting down from a conversation or exiting it entirely. Whoever the stonewaller may be might physically leave the room or stop listening and direct their attention elsewhere. They may look like they don’t care, but typically they are shutting down to avoid dealing with their emotions or to calm themselves. However, this is perceived by the partner as an indifference to the situation and an unwillingness to communicate.
Call Us for Marriage Counseling
If you see signs of the four horsemen or believe that you and your partner could benefit from marriage counseling, then please contact us today! Counseling Services of Parker is here to help you. No matter what might be happening in your relationship, we can work as a team to strengthen your communication techniques and grow together instead of apart. Marriage counseling takes work, but if both of you are willing to put in the effort, we will be able to see progress.
